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Postcards From The Edge of Menopause

NaBloPoMo, Day 3

· Blog

Why in the ever loving fuck didn't our mothers and grandmothers warn us?

I'm fifty, and my body is an asshole, beyond the aches and pains.

For two weeks of each month, sleep becomes a fucking joke. Why sleep when I can lie awake staring at the ceiling freaking out about the universe?

Then I FINALLY get my period and the migraines start. They last for about ten days.

So basically, right now, I get about five days a month where I feel like a normal human being.

And OMG the goddamned FEELINGS. I live on emotional roller coaster ranging from intense fury to sappy weeping and I have no idea — EVER —what will set me off.

Worst of all? When I'm being completely crazed and stabby, inside I am utterly calm and 100% convinced that whatever it is I am angry about I AM IN THE RIGHT AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG WRONG WRONG.

This isn't even menopause. Nope. I still get my period every month, although sometimes it's on the 26th day and sometimes the 40th. I NEVER KNOW.

This is what's called "Perimenopause." Here's how the Mayo Clinic defines perimenopause:​"Perimenopause means "around menopause" and refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years. Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition."

The worst part of perimenopause, though, it this: NO ONE WARNS YOU. I feel like women have always just suffered without telling anyone how terrible it is. It's like Gen X women are the only ones going WTF WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN US.

Not even my own mother — who didn't officially enter menopause until age 56 (kill me now) — a rampant feminist with a significant investment in all matter pertaining to women's health care never bothered to warn me. When I asked her about her perimenopause transition, she says, "Well, it wasn't that bad, just some sleeplessness."

I don't know if it's the pregnancies and all that fucking around with my hormones during infertility treatments or what but I do know that my perimenopause is a fucking nightmare and I HATE IT.

I am PRAYING for menopause. For real.

Yes, I know menopause isn't a disease. It's a normal aging process. There's little that can be done to manage the symptoms other than adding back in the hormones you're losing and that's got its own risks and issues and isn't an option for some of us (any manipulation of my hormones makes my migraines much worse).

So I'm just trying to hang in. But can I say this? It seems RIGHTEOUSLY UNFAIR that I have to deal with the shit storm that is our current government while I'm also in the midst of reverse puberty — AND when my kid is also starting puberty.

Let's all take a moment to bow our heads and pray Charlie has the strength to survive.

I honestly do not know how civilization has survived women going through menopause.

Because the rage is INTENSE.

I want to burn alllllll this shit down.

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